Skeet, Neil, and I were talking about something I don't remember what. All of a sudden I think on the way I do things. All my life I have been doing things for only one reason. That is to make other people feel bad. I remember Neil saying something about his girlfriend he said that he is the one and only person his girlfriend ever had. She made Neil change, it made him change for something different. Neil said that people do change depending on the situation. Neil's friends said that he changed when he started going out with his girlfriend. Neil did not neglect that. He acknowledged that. He said that other people do make you change. However, he said he didn't change because other people told him to. He changed because he felt something for his girlfriend, and the emotions and shit that happened with her the cause of his change.
I, on the other, hand never change. I don't care what people say about me. But I do want to shut some people up to make them feel bad. All I do is to study what some think it's bad ass and what is not. Of course I don't go into a crowd and make the decision based on the crowd. I base it more on individuals who I think are interesting. I try to make a connection with the individual. After the connection I sometimes get a feeling inside of me about his/her tastes and after that if I think it's good then I proceed. I always study the situation and analyze whether the outcome will benefit me. After that if it does, I study a group.
For example: In a group everyone has a new pc. I will not buy a pc. If I know that they will have their pc for a long time. I will wait 2 generations of pc's. After that, I will buy a pc, and know that their pcs have no comparison over mine. It all depends on the situation.
In school, if somebody defeats me in a grade. I will interpret his grade as a competition.I will not talk to that person and when I do, I will talk with results. However, when the crowd gets too big, I will walk away and have no more interest. Whether this decision affects me or not I don't care. I work alone, and if I work in a group, I will only do and try to stand out of the group by myself.
I said I work alone, so I don't know what it's like to work in a group. I have come to work so much by myself that the objective of working in a group has become somewhat distorted. In my conscious I know that the best is to balance the tasks, if noone works, then I take all the tasks to myself and work with those interested. However, it is ethical to work equally so the satisfaction is not the same if I had worked with the whole team.
My brain works the opposite, my brain interprets a competition instead of a co-op. I only want to win no matter what. Like in sports I don't like to compete defensively, I like to do it in style. I like to be offensive. Everybody likes offensiveness, which means the work will result to be spectacular.
My lifestyle is not that spectacular, but when others tell me what they do I often tend to do the same but my way, with results that will be greater than the ones they had. If they have a mac G5, I get a mac G8. If they defeat someone by 3-0 I will defeat them by 8-0.
I don't have an exagerated number of things that others would imagine I would have as a result. It all comes to experience. I am not experienced in some fields, so my "winnings" are relegated to be limited, and sometimes I sacrifice old "prizes" to get new ones.
That is who I am a person who likes doing things in style within his own limits. I don't like to work in teams, but due to the circumstances that is impossible to say. Without competition I am nothing. I need others to succeed. I think of competition all the time.
I have met people through these "competitions", therefore I cannot say I am alone. I have been lucky to meet people along the way, sometimes they have no idea on what my goal is.
My life is simple, I know what I do. But like a human being I change. I know I won't always think like this, but for now at least I know some characteristics that identify me.
Who knows maybe tomorrow I will work to encourage a team to work together, or maybe I'll be a greater assistant. I am not a leader or a follower. I find myself in a place different from where the paradox is located. Not in the middle nor at any ends. I don't identify myself with either of these ends. I help others, and others help me. That is who I am. That is a way for me to help some.
I compete, but in a team I try not to be the "leader" that is a place I don't belong I belong assisting others to make the team be spectacular, since what I seek is offensiveness and spectacularity.
Sure, the way I do things is not what some consider the best way. I do my own thing at my own time and pace. I am offensive, even when I assist. I hate followers and leaders, everyone is equal. I am also aware that not everyone thinks the way I do when working in a group. Being an assistant has helped me avoid worthless conflicts.
People never know when I compete or for what, only I know that. I make others feel bad as a result. It is not my fault, it is simply my way.
Two completely different statements in one. Why? because I am human, I change and according to the circumstances. A personal goal, and a group goal. When in a group I feel frustrated that not everyone thinks, feels, or acts the same as me. However there is no point in bringing this theory for it would be a waste of time for the team. We are all different. I try to assist and be spectacular.
An abstract thought for one reason.....
I am still under development.
That is who I am a person who likes doing things in style within his own limits. I don't like to work in teams, but due to the circumstances that is impossible to say. Without competition I am nothing. I need others to succeed. I think of competition all the time.
I have met people through these "competitions", therefore I cannot say I am alone. I have been lucky to meet people along the way, sometimes they have no idea on what my goal is.
My life is simple, I know what I do. But like a human being I change. I know I won't always think like this, but for now at least I know some characteristics that identify me.
Who knows maybe tomorrow I will work to encourage a team to work together, or maybe I'll be a greater assistant. I am not a leader or a follower. I find myself in a place different from where the paradox is located. Not in the middle nor at any ends. I don't identify myself with either of these ends. I help others, and others help me. That is who I am. That is a way for me to help some.
I compete, but in a team I try not to be the "leader" that is a place I don't belong I belong assisting others to make the team be spectacular, since what I seek is offensiveness and spectacularity.
Sure, the way I do things is not what some consider the best way. I do my own thing at my own time and pace. I am offensive, even when I assist. I hate followers and leaders, everyone is equal. I am also aware that not everyone thinks the way I do when working in a group. Being an assistant has helped me avoid worthless conflicts.
People never know when I compete or for what, only I know that. I make others feel bad as a result. It is not my fault, it is simply my way.
Two completely different statements in one. Why? because I am human, I change and according to the circumstances. A personal goal, and a group goal. When in a group I feel frustrated that not everyone thinks, feels, or acts the same as me. However there is no point in bringing this theory for it would be a waste of time for the team. We are all different. I try to assist and be spectacular.
An abstract thought for one reason.....
I am still under development.